wandering mind................

I am tired...officially tired...bone weary tired............... I need to retreat to the island of mee....where is everything works,and i am happy...
Happiness is relative isn't it....
I am thinking,I am too sensitive...
Maybe I should go back to evaluating friendship...and knowing when the friendship has run it's cause...
So letting go...might be the option....so here I am letting go.......
where do I go , what to I do...things that run through my mind...
I have this nagging feeling that their is more to this life....much more...What to do?

unengaged at work

As the title says, I am unengaged at work...so was looking at someone's online photo album and she has some pictures she took in Romania, it got me thinking about places I want to visit...so here is the list..will be ticking off as well as adding new ones as I go along.....
i)Prague ,Czech republic
ii) Stockholm, Sweden as well as take the cruise around the European islands..i.e Budapest,Norway,Finland e.t.c with Waffy
iii)Campina,Romania
iv) Sharm El- sheik, Egypt
v) Petra ,Jordan
vi) Casablanca and Marrakech, Morocco
vii) The Gambia and Senegal
viii) Sao Tome and Principe
ix)Tour Asia - Bali,Indonesia, India, Colombo ,srilanka;
x)Athens, Greece
xi) Spain
xii)Switzerland
xiii)Australia and New Zealand
xiv) Togo,Ghana,


Well..for now..this is all I can remember....I intend to go to one of these places in December which one I don't know.
Note to self ..you need a camera !!!!!.....

Interesting turn of events

I just started work at an asset management/stockbroking/investment banking firm, as a sales person. By just started,I mean like, this is my second month, so today the head of our unit,calls a meeting and announces that they are to be some structural changes in the firm.For one he will no longer be in charge of our unit and some other guy is, now this guy, is big on ...hmmm...the only term that comes to mind is 'forming activity'...you see him walking down the corridor leading to the M.D's office all the time, speaking on this blackberry.....and they(management both boys and girls) all think that he is hot....
back to my gist before I digress, now yes apart from changing the organogram( is that correct), they are also talks of downsizing..it shall be announced tomorrow, so as of tomorrow I might not have a job.....
Well, all is not lost, I have another place that just made in an offer(God really takes care of His own), i say this because this process has been pending for too long and I was finally sent a text to come pick up my pre-employment letter;that is in lay man's terms a medical examination letter.
So after this meeting, I quickly went to the hospital to do the medical and will go back tomorrow for the rest.

Interesting turn of events, I have always had my doubts a bout this firm and knew I will not last long...lol ..... was I surprised, about my boss yes, but not about downsizing, I had heard it through the grapevine...as the new person, I assume that the axe will hit me....well today of all days, I decided to constantly and consciously remind myself that no matter what happens God is on the throne....
will definitely update you on what happens tomorrow

I need love

I need love- some song that LL cool J is the title for my blog.
Anyways, today,work is slow, been checking out websites all day long, coveting cars-(Honda CRV), coveting bags,shoes and I praying for provision so I can send my friend $ to shop for me.
but seriously I need love,loads and loads of it.I need just need some one to tell me it is going to be alright and will make me believe it....
Anyways,got another job subject to pregnancy and HIV test, the pregnancy, i am sure of, but the HIV....as I have never done a test, so I am scared shitless,God help me.
I am so scared to everything now, I am sure I am even scared of my own shadow,Me the fearless oh,......willing to go where no man has been. It must come with age...or maybe not.
I have another offer in london that might and might not materialize, it is all in God's hands. Even opening my results scares me, as I am typing this my heart, skipped a bit.
I should do it and get it over with....
what do u fink?

The fat lady has sang

Anyone, who knows me, knows that I am dramatic....hence the title..
anyways this weekend was eventful. 2weeks ago, I get a mail from 'bf' and he says that he needs a favor,and that he will call me.When I didn't hear from him that weekend, I send him a text during the week and he says that he will call me that day or the next.Anyways nothing until saturday, I am sitting in my living room at home eating chicken and chips and watching 'how I met your mother' and the phone rings....and it is him, of course I am in a foul mood and he starts off by saying/asking are you in a prayer meeting?, and I say to him that I am at home and he repeats this and so I get ticked off..anyways, the conversation is quite dry,
him: why didn't you answer the phone the 1st time?
me: I was in the kitchen
him: What were you doing?
me: i was frying chicken
him: really..you are cooking ....why didn't you tell the help to fry it? abi will it taste different?
me: no course not I just wanted to fry it...what is that suppose to mean?
him: it means nothing, you are just to sensitive ..was just joking...
me: no you are not, you are taking the piss ...and i don't like it
him: I see you are in a bad mood,,so will call u later
me: okay later
So I hang up and continue watching tv....2 minutes later, phone rings..
me: wats up?
him: I need to ask you a favor
me: shoot
him: Can we just be friends? i mean I don't make you happy, don't make you laugh. You are going through so much and I am not there for you, I don't call you like I should, this thing is not growing,I also have some issues I need to resolve...
me:so how is this a favor
him:Well, it is a favor because you may not want to be friends...
me: If that is what you want fine
him:fine???
me: yeah, since you said that you need time to sort out yourself..no worries
him:so you are okay?
me: yeah..no worries, take it easy we will talk later
him: yeah..talk later,bye

and that folks is how it ended..
Am I sad, not really..I had too many issues, and I know that I wasn't that feel him like that. It was very good on paper, but in real life..we were just to alike and now I know that opposite attracts....
we wanted the same things but couldn't give back the same things. I didn't feel important , and he felt the same way, he did look at me that way..I have met someone that does,so I know what I am looking for.
he didn't get me at all...it was so difficult talking to him because ,he turns around and use what I say against me...it was like we were from different worlds...then there was the case of spoken english and h-factor.....I can't stand it when pple that should know how to speak english don't....how after like 12years in the U.K,can you not know how to speak well..I am not looking for phonetics..just plain old spoken english.....
but the plus side...he has a very bright future ...but some times that is not enough.
A friend once asked me if he asked you to marry him would you and i spoke the truth- NO. because I had so many unresolved issues that I knew/felt couldn't be resolved. my greatest fear was that I would not be able to pursue my goals without being under pressure not to...without being made to feel bad.....

So on saturday the 20th of sept, the fat lady sang and I close that chapter of my life..funny enough we had some great laughs,but we had more silence and fights.
so will i miss it/him..him I don't think i will miss him so much ,but as for being in a relationship, this has made me understand why people remain in situations just so they can be said to be a couple.
I thank God that he did it because,it was time.......
well as they say life goes on.....I can find out God's purpose for my life and walk in my faith without considering anyone but God ,just the way it should be.....

Hmmmmmmm

At what point do you move on..be it a job, a relationship or even life itself. I have decided that I have to move on with regards to the 1st two...
My job sucks in terms of I am not engaged...so I have plenty of time on my hands..this stems from the fact that the capital market is in recession, and nobody wants to touch it with a long pole...so I need something more concrete.
My relationship sucks...when I was leaving the U.K, I promised my bf that I would call him even day and come see him often enough,in hindsight,while making these promises he didn't say anything, so all the commitment and reassurance was on my part. and this i kept ,okay..i didn't keep the coming often bit but i used to call him everyday and he used to sound funny and distant on the phone. For the 1st month it was like that I used to do all the calling and he use to sound funny..(and he used to thank me for calling?? still don't get that)and I thought on my own money, then he started calling like everyday for about 2months then he stopped.and now I think we speak like 4 times in a month or less.is that a relationship..in this case I dont think distance is the issue it is deeper than that. I don't know I have many reservations with him, reservations I had before I started dating him, and issues I still have. the long and short is he doesn't get me. I cant imagine living with him for the rest of my life,for the singular reason that I will lose myself...the very essence that makes me ,me....Selfish I know, but I have had friends that I got along with and in a different time and place I would have married them.
I have believed and prayed to find the right guy, I have always said that I rather be single than be married for the sake of marriage.
Concerning the job..I have another offer,so that is cool but the relationship (if I can call it that)well..time will tell.....

Finding purpose

finding purpose- for many days or months I have been thinking about what is my purpose on earth.
I have a list of things I think I am good at,
-take up writing
-start my own consultancy business by taking some courses in
*project management
*strategy
* how to write a business plan.
What I know is that I do not want to be a sales person for the rest of my working life...I have totally lost it..but the problem is what to do....
I know I have to find something that I would find joy in...
but lets see....................

Anyways today is Friday..going to have some yeusuf's rice from A-bar...

Looking back

Hey, it has been almost a year since I have written or even visited my blog.... so this maybe long....were do I start from...
At this point, I am back in the motherland… left the unemployment ;brokeness of jand and also the stability, the trains, the independence and have come home to my home where there is always some-one offering you money, there is a roof over your head, a car e.t.c.
I have been back almost 5months now, it has it's good days and it's not too good days, when I am in a taxi and the fumes are pouring in. not good...when I am hanging out with my friends, or in church or even house fellowship…very good.....

In Nigeria, I am free, free to be my self , free to rediscover myself, have you ever felt that you have lost the very essence of your soul...that was jand for me....don’t get me wrong I love the U.K and will be back in a second, if/when the opportunity presents itself. what I didn’t like was the fact that I didn’t have that career progressing job( as I had and still have aspirations I want to meet), the choices you make when you are under pressure, will I live my life differently if I had the chance… most likely, will I still do some of the things I did… most definitely.

Today, I am definitely wiser, stronger and more independent than ever........I have the strength to go on...the belief that the Lord is my strength and my shelter and in him will I trust... the fact that I have failings is what makes me human, the fact the I know that my Father in heaven loves me is what makes me strive to be a better person.

So if I return, will I be lost...I pray not, I hope to live my life to the fullest, trying to fulfill the purpose of God for my life....I will try to travel and see the world, go to museums and Broadway shows, see the great wall of China, the Taj Mahal, go to the Bahamas, take up photography-buy a camera and keep good records of the years.......

But today, I am at my desk in the office, chatting with one of my closest friends, thinking about life and how content I am because I know the Lord shall do a good thing in my life in his time –‘God's time is the best'

ciao.........................